Goodbye World

The classic script-example everyone learns when programming is: “Hello World”. MY classic farewell-message is: “Goodbye World”.

Despite this rather humorous entrance this should be a kinda sad message for most of you. Mainly because I decided to quit. Not to quit blogging or quit my online life because I found someone IRL…(no I really didn’t). I quit life. I haven’t taken the pills yet, nor did I cut-open my veins yet. I’m only waiting for my special someone to have my last talk with before I will hopefully end my miserable life somehow.

In the last week I got shown how little my worth as lover/friend/whatever actually is. Some of you might still find this message non-sad because you’d probably wish to see me dead. Well…I’m with you because I’d love to see that too.

This won’t be my entire dying-message, but the only one that matters to the readers of my blog.

Hey Rio.
You never seemed to care much about my feelings and rather made fun of them than actually helping me to get over them. There is nothing you could’ve done to actually prevent me from doing this. Don’t feel guilty.

Hello Timmy.
I’m sorry I couldn’t participate in our planned duo-queue ladder-reset. I’m sure we would’ve been successful. You were listening when I had problems and tried to make me feel better. Thank you. I hope you will enjoy GW2.

Niels!
I know we’re not anything like best friends and sometimes I’d rather punch you than talk to you. Still you were a valuable part of my life because in the end you’re a good person.

Tasha…
…wish we would’ve talked more often. I know you’ve already almost done suicide. I hope I will get further than you did. Too bad you went with Thomas and didn’t stay with us

Lin
We’ve got quite the strange past. I’m glad I didn’t tell you about my try to suicide, I’m sure you would’ve fought me until I turned out my computer if I did. It’s not your fault that I’m sad. Have a wonderful life with that guy you’re with right now.

Lena!
We just had a rather deep conversation. I didn’t have the nuts to tell you that I’m really going to pull it through, but I’ll send you this post once I’m done. Don’t try to stop me…and life our dream of a intercontinental-relationship for me…I believe in you.

Elizabeth
I love you. And although the reason of this post is tied to you…I don’t regret us, only our ending quite sucked.

And to all the others I didn’t mention yet (and also to the ones mentioned). I will miss you and I hope you’ll be thinking of me every once in a while. You all made my life fun while it lasted and I’m sorry that one or the other will feel bad about my decision to go. Sometimes it is the best to leave though. The future I’ve been living for has been taken away roughly and I don’t see any other future I would possibly want to have. Additionally I got shown again how little worth I am to some people, being treated like a punching-bag. I’m not able to carry on like that so I’m taking the shortcut.

Since I’m an absolute fan of gallows humor and League of Legends (and I’d rather see a smile on peoples faces when they will be thinking about me)…here’s my ultimative last joke.

Surrender at 20.

I want to apologize to whoever will find my lifeless body, I’m sure I will shock you quite hard (my poor mom).

And please…don’t anyone of you dare to copy my suicide…I am the only one who’s leaving…don’t take an example…stay in this world.

Songs

Hello there. I actually wanted to stop blogging about personal stuff long ago. But there has been a lot of stuff happening that shouldn’t have happened. So I came up with the totally unrelated idea to dedicate a bunch of songs to a bunch of people that mean a lot to me. Since I’m rather anti-social this will be a short post.

So well, the first one will go to my girlfriend. Yeah, After my completely failed relationship that led to some depressing posts on here I’ve finally fallen in love with a wonderful girl. I had a hard time thinking about a song for you, and you probably won’t like at all, but here it goes. I love you.

Okay, I think the next song will go to you Rio. I probably couldn’t be more happy and sad at the same time to have a best friend like you. I’ve heard you fighting with your girlfriend yesterday though so I think this song is a perfect fit for you. Don’t turn it down because of the title, but please let these words touch your soul.

Number three, and except the first two people this isn’t ranked anymore, is Lena, Rio’s girlfriend. I have a hard time choosing a song for you, but I guess this one will fit quite well.

Timmy my friend. You’re probably the funniest person in the universe. I need you to win in League of Legends, so this song is one I connect with you.

Ugh, Niels I don’t know what I should say about you. You’re a cool person and you’ve proven me  that you can go to the USA for a person you’ve met on the internet, so you’re my idol now. I don’t know any of your problems though because you never talk about them with me. I’ll just a put a funny song we’ve been listening to together.

Tascha, what is there to say about you. I’ve hurt you multiple times and still you’re the person I’ve known for the longest time of my life. You know you’d be my best friend if Rio wouldn’t have occupied that place probably forever. You’ve improved your own life drastically so this song is for you.

Hm it took me hours to finsih this post (literally) and it got way less depressing than I originally thought. This might be the influence of a very special person who has made me happy the whole time I was writing this. So long, see you soon.

The wheels won’t stop

Yo guys.  Long time no see! Which is actually my fault. I never felt like posting anything here, my life continues in the same old way it ever did…it follows Murphy’s Law. But well, whos life DOESEN’T follow those rules at least for a part of his/hers life. So I managed to walk through the city with a smile on face, just like in the good old days when I didn’t care about my future.

You don’t wanna know something about my life? Please quit reading and tell me what you don’t wanna earlier in the future.

As most of you know(at least the ones who follwed my blog), my lovelife is pretty fucked up. And I’m not talking about the “I can’t find a girlfriend”-behaviour. I actually have a girlfriend, who I really love. That’s sometimes even worse than being single. Especially when she’s gone since March 23 and cant really communicate with me. Actually our relationship was damned to fail from the start and I got warned a hundred times. The stupid me never listened and I had a really good time with her before she had to go.  She ensured me that she would be able to phone me, but she didn’t even responded to my SMS. In the first days after she left, I planned to search her witch an acquaintance, but we screwed the plan since the chance to find her wasn’t that big, and even if we could have found her, we wouldn’t have been able to do shit. As the time kept going I didn’t want to believe that she will be gone forever. Then after a long time of being alone I almost broke up with her in my mind. I couldn’t. I always imagined her in my mind. Her being sad. I promised at the beginning that I won’t be the cause of a breakup. All rational feelings aside, I kept on going waiting for her return, and I got gifted (by god?). She managed to talk to me for some minutes. Even if it’s not much, it helped to calm my feelings and bringing my feelings back to how they were. Since then we are only able to talk to each other once or twice a month for some minutes. And it doesn’t seem to change in the near future.

Everything else that goes wrong in my life seems small now, but I don’t know if I’ll ever write about them if I won’t now.
Simple thing: I have no friends. At least it feels like that. For about 3 or 4 years I changed my school/workplace/whatever about once every year, I hate the behaviour of most people around me. So over the time I made myself an outsider. Normally I’m OK with that. But there was this very guy who is in the same class like me. We were always together in school. He meant a lot to me, even though I have the feeling that I mean less to him. Whatever. He has to leave us because his grades aren’t good enough to go on further. So I’ll be the outsider I’ve ever been. Even though some people sometimes invite me to eat with them. So I think this might be much less worse than I feel it is.

A big thanks to all the people who read through this whole wall of text. At least you show some interest in my person. Oh, I never told you how I’m still able to smile. It’s not even a hard thing. Music. Music is the thing that never leaves me alone. That’s always with me. That makes me happy, when I wanna be happy, yet makes me sad, when I want to be sad.

Whew, I wrote a lot up there and I don’t know how long it will take, till I feel like posting again. Goodbye readers.

Happy Birthday

Who has birthday today you ask? Is it me? No it’s not.

I feel sick and down now.
My girlfriend has birthday today. I should be happy? No I shouldn’t!
I can’t see her today, and can’t phone her, there’s no way I could send her my wishes for the just started new year in her life. Why? I guess she won’t like it if I tell you, so I won’t.
It’s not even the last day I won’t be able to see her. It will go on 2 f*cking long years from now on. My mind always tells me to break up with her, but my heart and my conscience stop me to do so.

There’s only a tiny ray of hope. I’ll hopefully be able to talk to her from times to times but still it’s really hard when you can’t see a person you love for such a long time. Well, I’m in Teamspeak with some friends and I don’t wanna start crying now so I better stop writing now.

Cya in better times.
Miro

Uncool start in the new year

Usually I’d have to wish you a happy new year but I can’t, since I’m not in the mood to do so. I never thought that I’d make a post about my problems here but today, everything is different and the people I normally go to are all involved in some ways and I don’t wanna bother them right now, still I wanna tell this someone. If you hate QQing, better click away.

Well, I don’t know where I should start. Ok, first you should know that I have friends as well. Yeah, even me has some. So there is this guy, one of my best friends and a girl, which I did also count to my friends. They both fell in love with each other a few months ago but their relation wasn’t always the best. She decided to visit him last Christmas and to stay till today. This would have been great if they didn’t broke up one or two weeks before Christmas. She still wanted to visit him since she already bought the tickets but she wanted to go to him just like normal friend and not as his girlfriend. She also had a new boyfriend. Just before Christmas, he gave an another girl (girl B), which fell in love with him long ago, hope that he will come together with her. This was about the time I started to talk with her regularly and I really started to like her. She had her doubts that the guy will not have sex with girl A, and I have to say, that I was also sure that they won’t be well-behaved, if you understand .

So, this morning the guy showed up and told me, that he had sex with girl A (don’t forget, she has a boyfriend). I was told to not tell this to girl B, but as I said before, I like her and I didn’t wanna lie to her, so I made some allusions to her. She was still believing him, that he let his hands off girl A and I let her believe since I thought, it’d be the best for her. That went pretty well some hours but then she asked me, why I would make allusions when there wouldn’t be anything. First I didn’t wanna tell her, but I could not resist to tell her the truth. Of course she didn’t know who to trust, but I think she choose the right one (me) to believe in. Still I’m feeling very bad cause I made her cry. It’s a very weird feeling. It’s a bit like this: you feel like you did the right thing, still you feel like you did the wrong.

Thanks to everyone who read through all this, happy new year!